Onward

I cannot believe that it is already Friday.  This week has gone so quickly, even though when I first got down here I thought that I would only be in this place for about three days.  It was a little comforting knowing that we were going to spend time together for a little while before we set out to Peru.

I am so emotionally drained from these past two days.  The first two days of orientation were listening to two guys talking about the Extreme Program very very ambiguously and telling us about the Nazarene missions corps.  These past two days though, have been centered on getting to know our team members through counsel-like settings.  We did a lot of "processes" and activities where we talked through emotional blocks, fears and expectations.  Two whole days of digging inside oneself and throwing out those emotions to others has taken its toll and I am exhausted.  I said in one of out sharing sessions that I felt like I had taken an emotional ipecac and today I was dry heaving.

Sunday we go to Peru!  But first, on Saturday, we fly out to Houston, Texas where we will spend the night in an hotel.  We are all so excited to get started in the school.  It's amazing how close we have gotten as a team in such a short amount of time.  I realize that it's probably a honey-moon period, but I am still excited to see where these relationships will go.  We are all so excited!

I'm Here!

Wow, I'm in Florida!  I cannot believe it.  It's really strange being here with all these people that I have seen on facebook and now are tangible objects sitting in front of me.  They are like fictional characters that I've only read about coming to life out of a book or a movie.  It's rather surreal. 

The flight down was smooth.  That was the first time that I had ever flown by myself.  Every other flying experience I've had I was accompanied with other people, so relying completely on myself was an interesting experience.  The most surprising thing about it was that I was completely calm!  Nothing too stressful about it, just an afternoon of flying and waiting in airports. 

When I met everyone it was rather awkward, I think.  Not because I didn't like them or that they didn't meet up to my expectations.  In fact, I'm elated with the people that I'm here with.  I'm so excited to get to know everyone more.  The strangeness about it was that we are kind of a predetermined family.  They said something similar to this in one of our orientation sessions earlier today, but I thought it first!  This family was chosen for me!  I suppose that's how real blood families are too, but there's a connection of blood there.  There is history and connectedness.  When I met one of the guys, Garren, I was just thinking to myself as we were walking... We are supposed to become family.  A strange concept considering I really know nothing about these people. 

I am not sad at all.  That's relieving.  I'm so thankful for the lessons that God has taught me and how He has prepared me for my departure.  If I had left my friends all at once, I would have been a complete mess.  This is all good.

The orientation sessions are really good too.  I've had a lot of time already spent with my new family that I will be with in Puno, Peru.  I really like them.  As part of an activity today we had to write on a poster board the city name we were going to and then come up with a name/mascot and write it on the poster board in permanent marker.  Somebody said The Puno Posse... Well... I heard The Puno Pasta and that's what I wrote and now that's what we are!  We all thought it was pretty great and decided it truly defines our group. 

Well, that is all I have for now.  The next time I post I will probably be in Peru!

Procrastination or Sanity Maintanence

I am trying to get things done.  This past year the thought occured to me that I may possibly had A.D.D.  It might be the stress also.  My brain feels like a mass of water slushing around in my head as I walk into my bedroom to try and organize what things I want to take.  Where do I start?  I simply hate this part.  On top of trying to get my head together I had to figure out what I was going to do for another suitcase.  I went into the crawl space last night and found there were two suitcases... one new and one old.  When I confronted my mom about it she told me I could only take the old one.  I guess I understood that... and I can't really complain too much about it because I know she reads this.  That's right Mom!  I can't believe you would try to send your son out of the country with one suitcase!  Well, I tried taking it lightly and thought about the sacrafice it would be... I still hated the idea.  However, my loving grandfather had a suitcase even bigger than the new untouchable suitcase I couldn't have.  It is a blessing.

I called my two other banks about my student loans and found out they are alllll deferred.  This is such a praise.  Everything is coming together now. 

As much as I'd love to be on top of all this stuff, right now I just needed to take some time to reflect.  I just found one of my dog's eye boogers on my shirt... See?  A.D.D!

Alright, I really haven't done anything to merrit this time for procrastination.  It has definitely helped to vent and get all my frustrations out. 

And a special message to mothers out there... please just be chill when your son/daughter is trying to pack.  You have the uncanny ability to stress them out.  :|

It's Undeniable

I uploaded a video to YouTube of my song that I wrote recently.  It really just encompasses everything that I've been feeling in terms of leaving for Peru and has been an extreme comfort/release for me.  I hope you all enjoy (it's on the bottom)

My parents came to the house today and took my bed, dresser, and some boxes, so now everything looks terribly empty.  I thought that today would be another one of those revelation days, but it's funny the numbness one can feel when an oncoming change ensues.  I remain blind to the oncoming change and cannot wrap my head around the reality of it.  I hate the divide I've encountered between logic and my emotions.  I know in my head I'm going to Peru, but the comprehension of that fact still escapes me.  At the very same time, my emotions are obviously in the know and are on a rampage.  Why can I not wed the two?

I've been consistently praying when I get down that God come to my aid as my best friend.  It sounds silly, but my prayer legitimately goes like this, "God, you are my best friend.  Please come be with me!"  I am at time very lonely and feel the withdraws on my social atmosphere.  I have depended too long upon physical relationships... I just wish my mind wasn't so involved by feeding me lies about what will happen to friends here at home.  I should not care.  Or should I?

I am coming up to the bend on my road.  I have been able to see up until this point what was ahead of me.  God clearly marked my path by saying that I was going to go to Peru.  The preparation is almost over and I have yet to see the next step!

I wish there was an immediate means to attaining my comfort.  I know how I could find my comfort easily.  I could just call Rachel Kuhn and tell her that I'm not going to go to Peru, that I've renounced my faith and I'm turning to Buddhism and then I could stay in Mount Vernon where my friends are and build my life around relationships that will fail me in every way that the Lord's would not.  And as much as I want to believe so dearly that that would be the answer to my prayers and that I would be my happiest there... I know it's the biggest lie ever fed into my brain.  And it hurts... It hurts that where I think I could be happiest is where God denies me.  God's will is not for me to find comfort in temporary things but to draw near to Him.  I can only do that in Peru.  It's simply undeniable this calling.  I have seen too much to count it all as trivial coincidence.  In fact, that term is lost on me.  I now only believe the Lord's amazing hand guides me through everything.

Pray that I can overcome my sadness.













It's Undeniable
It's undeniable this feeling,
That something's on its way,
It's change, I can feel it in my bones,
I walk away from the carnage,
Of a weak and bludgeoned heart,
I'm mortified that this was never mine to own,

If I could turn my clocks,
Back so I could be,
With you an hour more,
Would I still have to leave?
I gotta learn to look,
Past what's in front of me,
And realize where I should be,

It's unavoidable this whisper,
But no one heard the sounds,
My voice broke when I said,
"I gotta do this alone,"
I hear the voices of a million angels,
Betroth me to the call,
My bags are hardly packed,
But I know I've gotta go,

If I could turn my clocks,
Back so I could be,
With you and hour more,
Would I still have to leave,
I gotta learn to look,
Past what's in front of me,
And realize where I should be,

If I could go through life,
Back a month or two,
Could I have more time,
More time to spend with you,
Let the truth be told,
Deep inside I know,
I gotta let this go,

It's undeniable this feeling. 

Almost There!

I think this is the third time that I have started this post.  I would get about a paragraph in and I'd realize I didn't really know what I was going to say, or that I had no resolve to my thoughts.  I'm sorry that it has taken me so long.

There has been a lot of emotional rollercoaster rides these past few weeks from dealing with faith and trusting God to saying goodbye to friends.  My worst week was this past one when I had to take my best friend to the airport.  He went to Japan for two weeks for his brother's wedding.  If it wasn't bad enough to know that I'd have to say goodbye to him early his return flight was scheduled for the 17th... the same day I fly out.  I was simply angry at that situation.  But, it's what I've had to deal with. 

Elaborating more on this past week these are the things I've been working over in my head:

God wants to be my best friend
This is such a silly thing for me to have just now realized, but it's so true.  I have been so focused on my relationships and had placed them so high that I became extremely dependant on them.  I knew three months ago that something was going to happen to some of my friendships... I just had the feeling that a bridge was to be crossed soon. 

I was in church this past Sunday when I had my recent revelation.  The service was titled "Speak."  The series is all about hearing God speak to us.  This past weekend's service was about decerning the voice of God.  The guy who spoke, Ryan, started out with the verse John 15:12-15, which didn't really seem to fit to me.  At the end of the sermon he brought this verse back up...

 

John 15:12-15 (New International Version)

12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. 14You are my friends if you do what I command. 15I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.

 

I realized then He wanted to be closer to me than any of my other friends.  Why am I running from this?  Why do I keep looking elsewhere? 

 

This is not mine to control

I realize that this was what my last post was about, but this is still something that has been circulating my thoughts.  I think I am more at peace about the idea that if my friends need me I will not be that person that can be in direct contact with them. 

People keep on telling me, "You'll make new friends," or ,"Your friends will still be here when you come back."  These are not words of comfort for me, unfortunately.  Two years is a long time for my age group and change comes quickly.  I am living proof of that.  Nevertheless, it is out of my control.  God has given me these friendships here and they can be a tool for me while I'm in Peru as well.  It just hurts to have to leave. 

I'm still encountring little challenges along the way.  One week and a half to get through and I'm off to Florida for Orientation.  Then one more week and it's off to Peru.